• Zaja

Dreaming of J

Updated: Jan 22

A reflection of a past relationship which heavily impacted my young adult life.

TW: Sexual Assault

In February 2015, I was attending my final year at university, living in the on-campus apartments. I had just gotten a car, and landed a part-time job at a restaurant. There was this man who also worked at this restaurant, named Javon Faulkner. We’d gotten to know each other as friends. I learned that he had two kids (by two different women); a five year-old boy and a three year-old girl. I wasn’t surprised. Most men were somebody’s daddy these days. He seemed like a very interesting person. He possessed a lot of charisma and charm, and he was funny as fuck. During that time I was in a failing relationship, with a woman named Ellie. I broke up with her in April, and started talking to Javon a week later. Being newly single, I became comfortable with being honest about how I was very much attracted to him. He was tall, with brown skin, and a beautiful smile. His voice was super deep, and he used it to make music. He loved music; it was his favorite thing to do. Him, his cousin and brother were all really good rappers actually. One day he had invited me over with some of his other friends for an in-home studio recording session. For the first time ever, I wrote some bars, and recorded them over a beat. It was so fun. I was in this apartment, having a great time. He shared the apartment with a girl named Regina, who I assumed to be his sister or cousin. She was pretty cool at first; very welcoming. She and Javon interacted like homies, or kin. As we were all sitting on the couch smoking a blunt, I boldly caressed Javon’s leg. I wanted him to know that I enjoyed his company. Within a few nights, Javon was in my bed. Before he took off my clothes, he asked me “Are you sure you want to do this?” I said yes, and he fucked the shit out of me.

One day shortly after that night, I had agreed to scoop him up on my way to work, since we worked the same night shift. As I was waiting for him to come down from the apartment, I saw his roommate leaving and getting into her car. I said hey to her with a smile. She said hey back, but the energy signature was very dry and disingenuous. I didn’t take it personally, since everyone has days where they don’t feel like talking to anyone. When Javon came down, I asked him if Regina was okay. He brushed it off, and told me not to worry about it. Later that night, he confessed to me that he and Regina hook up sometimes, and that she just found out she was pregnant with his child, and that seeing me touch his leg the other night triggered some jealousy. I was shocked, not because he didn't disclose the fact that he was fucking his roommate, but because I would have never took her for his fuck buddy. During this time, I was very shallow. I assumed that looks were everything, instead of the person’s character or personality. Even then, I was also convinced that my looks and my personality topped hers. I was intelligent, feminine, sexy, vibrant, creative, articulate, and unique. To me, Regina wasn't sexy or feminine. To me, she was basic as fuck, with damaged relaxed hair. I gladly accepted the “competition.” So, I wrote her off as just another basic “baby mama” and kept fucking with him. I just knew that I would be the one to swoop into his reality, and change his whole world, his outlook on life, and the way he feels about himself. I was going to help him get in touch with his higher Self, his emotions, his feminine side, help him strengthen his masculine power, and balance him out as his Divine Feminine. What a dumb bitch I was. I find it extremely comical now, because I, myself, wasn’t even that in touch with myself then. I was obsessed with helping this man grow, when I could have just grown a plant. Nonetheless, I am grateful for that naïve girl. I wouldn’t be the me I am today, without her.

Anyway, I continue hanging out with Javon almost every night. We vibing, having great conversations, getting high, and having great sex consistently. I never put limitations on him, or demanded that he stop fucking with Regina. I didn’t care, because I wasn’t trying to catch deep romantic feelings. Plus, I was confident in myself. If he wanted to fuck with Regina, he wouldn’t have been at my dorm almost every night. We tried to keep our relationship private, but people at work put two and two together, and figured out that we were fucking around. Regina’s jealousy and hate for me increased over time. Every time she saw me, she would roll her eyes or have an attitude. I enjoyed the tension. I drew power from feeling like I was superior to her, because I was able to “take” her man. He wasn’t really even really her man. I was convinced that he was just with her, so that he’d have somewhere to live. He was what people like to call a “hobosexual”. I am pointing this out, not to shame him, but to simply ask myself, “What the fuck was I thinking?” If this man wasn’t stable enough to hold himself down, let alone his two kids, why did you want him so badly? What about him was it that turned you on so much? I’ve always looked for the best in people, and could always find beauty in someone, despite what they “have” or “don't have”. I’ve never been materialistic, superficial or a gold digger, so him not having a car or a place didn’t bother me. I had those things, and didn’t mind sharing them with him, as long as I was being fed sexually, emotionally, and mentally.

Things got to a point where Regina had her friends stalk my Snapchat account, to keep tabs on what me and Javon were doing. One night, we were chillin’ at his sister’s house. This had to be during the summer, because I had moved out of the dorm, and in with my mom. He had moved out of Regina’s (she probably kicked him out for fucking with me so heavily), and in with his sister. Anyway, I notice that Regina’s friends were watching my Snaps, which meant Regina was watching my Snaps. I began to taunt her by posting petty/shady words, along with pictures of me and Javon. It gave me an adrenaline rush to be able to get under someone’s skin so easily. I took pleasure from knowing that another girl was jealous of me, which was toxic as fuck of me, to say the least. But, in honor of being transparent and honest about my perception of things at the time, I must admit that I drew power from making other women feel "less than". This was a huge indication that I was void of my own power. I was overwhelmed with sheer satisfaction, as my posts drove her to pull up to his sister’s house, trying to fight me. Mind you, she’s pregnant, so I couldn’t actually fight her. And I may have been a dumb lil’ bitch, but I wasn’t dumb enough to fight a bitch over no nigga. So, we’re outside cussing and screaming at each other, and Javon demands that I go back inside. His sister lived in subsidized housing, so any incidents like fighting, drugs, prostitution; whatever, could easily get her kicked out of her apartment. He grabs Regina, and literally puts her back into the passenger's seat of her friend’s car. The friend that she pulled up with was screaming at me too, and even though this had nothing to do with her, she wanted to fight me so badly. Presently, and from a spiritual standpoint, I think that in general, most of us are walking around unhealed, hurt and angry. So when the opportunity to take that anger out on someone comes along, we hastily jump at it, even when the situation has nothing to do with us. I was ready to fight whoever was bold enough to run up on me, but out of respect for Javon and his sister, I went back inside. She later got back on Snapchat and sent me messages about how I was too scared to fight, blah blah blah. That shit didn’t phase me. I said, “Yeah okay. Y’all put gas in the car to drive all the way over to the North, pulled up to the spot, got out of the car, but didn’t run up. So, how was I scared one?” I told her I was logging off, because I was about to get some dick, and that was it. Some weeks later, Javon actually did end up getting his sister kicked out of her apartment. The Housing managers saw one of his blunts on the counter when they came to inspect the place. The irony.

Time passes, and me and Javon are still fucking with each other. We made songs together, listened to music, smoked, and had great sex. Fall comes, and I move into my new apartment off campus. I had managed to save enough for the security deposit and application fees, thanks to the money earned from my summer internship at Macy’s. Hated it, but the money was good. I had also spent a good bit of money paying for hotels, so that me and Javon could be alone. I was very generous with that man, and even helped him get his own apartment. Like I said, I was a dumb bitch. But here’s when I started to gain more clarity on where me and Javon actually stood.

One day in October, Regina comes into the restaurant where me and Javon work; I’m on the front register. She orders food, and I take her order. I speak to her cordially, because I have no beef with this girl. I was in school, paid, kid-free, and happy with Javon who wasn’t my boyfriend, but was. I had no reason to be mad. Plus, I’m really good at playing nice. She gets her food, and there’s no problem on my end. I go out for my break, and see that one of my tires is slashed. Of course, it was Regina. A few days later, I got fired from the restaurant. A customer had anonymously complained to corporate, and told them that I was rude to them at the register. Again, Regina. She was a hating ass bitch. Objectively, and from a spiritual standpoint, Regina was a woman on a mission. And when a woman is passionate enough, her dark feminine energy will destroy everything in her path. I stopped fucking with Javon for a little bit after that. He didn’t have my back the way I wanted him to, which meant he wasn’t a good friend.

A few weeks later, I’d gotten another job at a department store. I’d slowly started talking to Javon again, but he was still with Regina most of the time. I was elated when she and Javon had come into the store one day, and she’d seen me; not knowing I worked there. She was pissed. That moment served as yet another high trajectory boost to my ego, indeed. So I start to feed off this energy again, this energy of “taking another woman’s man.” So, I allow Javon back into my world again, sexually. During this time he’s still living in this lil’ apartment, which he eventually gets evicted from because of his failure to pay rent. It was totally irresponsible of him, and another red flag that he wasn’t mature enough to be with me, but still, I showed him kindness. I invited him to come move in with me. He didn’t have much, so it was fine. The day he moved in, is also the day we decided to submit to our feelings for each other. Instead of continuing to linger in the FWB zone, we saw it best to make our relationship “official.” He was my boyfriend for a whole week, until one night, when we were laying in bed together. We were winding down for the night, and he wanted to have sex. Even though I was tired as fuck, I said we could. I ended up falling asleep while he’s fucking me. He keeps going, despite me descending into complete unconsciousness. I wake up to him nutting on my ass, and I am livid. I expected him to show a bit of consideration for my boundaries, by stopping when he saw that I was asleep. The fact that he kept going felt like rape to me. Because I wasn’t present or conscious enough to receive mutual pleasure from the act, I felt as though he was using my body to masturbate until HE came. Fuck nurturing my womb, and making ME come. When I confronted him about this the next morning, he gaslighted me, and told me that I was overreacting. I was so upset when I left for class, and he did nothing to make me feel better. There was no aftercare, or empathy, even though I had told him how I felt. He was so focused on defending his intentions, that he completely abandoned accountability for how he impacted me. When I got home from class, I offered him another chance to see me. I gave him space to take accountability and apologize, but he couldn’t see any error in his actions. He wasn’t hearing me. So, I threw all of his shit out of my window, and kicked his ass out of my apartment. Apartment security escorted him off the premises, and his brother came and got him. By that point, I was done. I really started to see things for what they were. This man had nothing to offer me, but had no problem taking from me. He couldn’t even hold down his own apartment. He made $7.50 an hour at a dead-end job, and possessed no real skills or education. He had two kids he couldn’t afford, with two different women, and had a third bitch pregnant with ANOTHER kid he couldn’t afford. He didn’t even have a high school diploma. He just wasn’t worth it. At the time, I relied heavily on exterior things to validate me or credit me for my talent/ gifts. So, I began to reject the idea of him because of his lack of corporate credibility. This was during a time where corporate credibility was more relevant and emphasized in my psyche, than emotional, intellectual, spiritual credibility, or any other types of credibility.

Above all, I was really hurt about the sexual assault. I tried to talk to my friends about it, and they couldn’t understand why I was so upset. They said they’d be turned on if their man fucked him while they were asleep. Nah. I was firm in my emotions, and refused to allow anybody to make me feel like I was crazy or just “overreacting.” I began to feel very lonely, like what the hell? Why does nobody respect boundaries, or acknowledge the emotions of the people they claim they want to have a relationship with? My loneliness must have gotten the best of me, because I eventually forgave Javon and started fuckin’ with him again. I didn’t want to love him, but I felt like I did. He had some sort of grip on me, and I had touched his heart in a way that no one had. Now, that I think about it, our bond stood on the foundation of attachment and codependency, rather than love.

I forgot where he was sleeping during this time, either at his brother’s house or Regina’s. Either way, we agreed that living in separate homes was for the best. Regina was still hating on me. She’d hit my phone, asking me to “Tell Javon this” and “Tell Javon that.” Just to get on my nerves. She was hormonal, and adamant about Javon being her man and her man only, even if he wasn’t willing to claim her back. This whole thing between me and her was getting old. Javon opened up to her about the complications within our relationship, so she knew about the incident, I define as sexual assault. I felt betrayed in that aspect as well, because what happens between us should stay between us. Nonetheless, he was telling me Regina's personal business (like when her car got repossessed). I shouldn't have been surprised that he was going back and telling her my business as well. She teased and gaslighted me for speaking up about the assault, not only because she had acceded John in his denial of what actually happened; but also, because she was mad that I had taken him back. The tension between us intensified to the point where Javon grew fed up with both of us. He was riding with me in my car one night, while I was going off about Regina, and he snapped. His words were something along the lines of "I done told BOTH of y'all bitches to chill!" I almost left him standing on the side of the road for that one, but my compassion for him prevented me from doing so. I wanted him to pick a side, but how could he? He enjoyed my company, but needed Regina for a place to stay.

One night at my place, when we were having sex, he looked me in my eye and said something along the lines of, “You gone let me come inside you?” or “You gone let me nut in that pussy?” Seduced and sedated by emotion and dick, I said “Yes, daddy.” We were growing closer and closer, despite me feeling betrayed by him before. I was even talking like him, and memorizing the lyrics to his songs. He was knee-deep in a lot of my interests as well. I celebrated his 25th birthday with him. I brought him home for Christmas, which was the most stupid thing I could have ever done. I left my hometown on Christmas Day, and drove to his city to get him, so that I could bring him to my mom's for dinner. He was at one of his kids' mom’s house, spending Christmas with his daughter, and my dumb ass took him away from her to come be with me. What was I doing?! We were late for dinner, and my dad highly disliked Javon almost immediately. Javon entered my mom’s home, and didn’t introduce himself or shake my dad’s hand. He kept to himself most of the time; didn’t speak much, and my dad (who loathed my queerness and wanted me to solely date men so badly) didn’t like his energy. Me and Javon went for a walk after dinner, and just talked about things. I was in a whirlwind of emotions during this time. Operating purely from the heart, even though my brain was telling me to leave this man alone. I began to receive more clarity on things again, as it became increasingly inconvenient to spend time with him. Between his two other kids, and Regina’s newborn baby, there wasn’t any space for me, and I was at peace with that. A week or so passed, before Javon and I finally cut ties. I was officially finished with this season of Love and Hip Hop. I realized that I had been driven by lust, attachment, and ego all this time. My ego was no longer stimulated, nor was it stimulating me, and my attachment to him was weakening. I threw in the towel, and graciously gave Regina "her man" back. The biggest difference between me and Regina was that she was willing to put up with a man’s bullshit, in hopes that one day he’d love her. I’m nothing of the sort. When I finally processed the fact that Javon was incapable of loving me the way I needed to be loved, I wanted nothing to do with him.

A month after we broke up, I discovered that I was seven weeks pregnant. When I told Javon, he demanded that I put him on child support the second the kid was born. He was obviously hurt by me cutting him off, and put up an emotional front from that point forward. I was disappointed in him, and even more disappointed in myself. I realized that I couldn’t have that baby. I had nothing to offer as a mother, and the father had already indicated that he was only willing to show up in the form of a $50 monthly payment. I decided to get an abortion, and asked Javon to help pay half, which was $150. Before he agreed, he wanted to see proof that I was pregnant, and proof that I had terminated the pregnancy. I obliged, which meant I had to pay for the procedure up front, all by myself. You know it took him a MONTH to pay me that $150? He left the money at my front door, and we never contacted each other again. Without a doubt, I know I did the right thing. I only wish that I had carried out the abortion in a more sacred, non-exploitative manner. God only knows what PPH does with aborted fetal tissue. Anyway, I think of Javon as an example of an expensive ass soul tie that needed to be cut, in order to avoid forfeiting the life I am blessed to have now. The dreams I’ve had, the connections I’ve made, the laughs I’ve shared, the moments I’ve experienced, the opportunities I’ve been given, the freedom I’ve acquired, the evolution I’ve undergone, the expansion of my consciousness, my joy, my peace, my SANITY are all rewards to myself, in exchange for cutting that soul tie. I will never feel bad for that. Not only that, the relationship itself was karmic, both in clearing and creating karmic debt (which I believe has already been paid to this day, but we’ll see). My worst fear was to bear a child, as unhealed and broken as I was, and pass down the same wounds and cycles that I had suffered onto that innocent child. Back then, I still possessed the spirit of FOMO. I saw the way single motherhood isolated black women, and I never wanted to be that woman whose heart was filled with hate for her baby’s father, and resentment towards the child, because of it. I didn’t want to be in the stereotypical web of dysfunction and toxicity that occurs with black women and black men, where they’re just “baby mamas” and “baby daddies” to each other; instead of a structured, close-knit family. I realize now that we are allowed to define what family looks like for ourselves, but I still didn't want my family to look that way. I didn’t want paying child support to be the only way Javon showed up as a father. I didn’t even want governmental entities having any interference with my womb or my family life. I didn’t want to eternize the tension between me and Regina, nor did I want ties with any of Javon’s other baby mamas. And to be honest, I believe things worked out perfectly. Even seeing on Facebook that Javon and Regina are still together to this day; I genuinely believe they are perfect for each other. She wanted a family, and that's what she got. I hope that she’s happy, even if she has to overcompensate for Javon’s lack of ability to fulfill his role as the head of household. And that’s no shade, it's the truth. Some people sacrifice for what they want, and if they value what they’re getting, it doesn’t even seem like that big of a sacrifice. And who am I to even assume that Regina was moving out of desperation, and not true, raw, pure love? They have the broke, spiritually rich man/ rich, spiritually broken woman dynamic that Nikhol Rei wrote about, and I believe that is THEIR karmic journey to explore. Not mine. I wouldn’t have been able to give Javon the space he needed/ needs to “thrive”, (i.e. paying for everything and driving him around everywhere), because I am not a financial provider. When it comes to dating men, I do have to admit that gender roles are relevant. Its okay to be honest about that. Its okay to require certain things from your partner, especially when you've assessed your own strengths and weaknesses. Asking yourself "What do I bring to the table? Vs. What do I need YOU to bring to the table?" is perfectly fine. I'm grateful that I didn't remain in a situation, where I had to compromise myself, or overexert myself just to be able to say that I have someone. I don't glorify "struggle love", because nothing about it is honorable to me. I've always been confident enough to extract myself from situations that don't serve me the way they did initially.

Long story short, I haven’t spoken to this man since February 2016. It's been almost five years. I think of him and dream of him often, and I know it’s not because I miss him. I most likely dream of him, because I am still processing the trauma around our situation. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t appreciate some closure between us. But, I'm also dealing with the task of moving through my healing journey without it, which is also a means for transmutation. The dreams could also be him summoning me in some way; thinking of me. In every dream, it's us being somewhere at the same time, and an apparition of him approaching me first, with a huge smile. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t regret a thing. I don’t regret meeting him. I don’t wish things between us had worked out, and I don’t wish that I’d had his kid. I guess I just…wonder if he's reflected on the situation. I wonder if he's received enlightenment, or discovered anything new within his consciousness since then. I hope he's gained some emotional intelligence, and unlearned some problematic ideologies. Even as I am typing this, I realize that I am still projecting an image of what I desire this man/ all men to be lol. I embrace duality, I know there's nothing balanced or dualistic about all men being the same. Nuance, variety, hell; even 'dysfunction' is important for balance and harmony in the world. Still, I hope he's done the internal work to be a better person; a better man for his family. That's what some women do; plant the seed for a man to straighten up for the next woman. I hope he's learned the difference between love and lust; just as I have. I hope he's learned the difference between a healthy partnership, and codependency/ attachment. I am hoping he and Regina have transitioned out of struggle love, and into something more sacred and honorable. I hope that he's in a better position financially; tapped into abundance, just like I am. Lastly, I genuinely hope that he’s transmuted all his mistakes and wrong doings, and made some breakthroughs in his journey, just like I have.

***The names of characters in this story have been changed to keep real life identities anonymous.

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